Friday, June 09, 2017
It has taken me too long to write this post and I finally decided no more putting it off. I guess it doesn't quite seem real and it hurts too much. I firmly believe that record keeping is important and I want to remember the feelings I had personally and the events that occurred. I can't even write this without getting emotional. My dear brother Kevin, the fifth child in our family, passed away on February 8th, 2017. The world lost a cowboy, uncle, brother, son, and friend. He fought a long hard battle with drug addiction, depression, and was unable to forgive himself. He was taken too soon and it was due to starting drug use at a very young age. He fell to peer pressure and quickly lost sight of his path and who he was. He was such a lively boy as a kid and as a man. He always had a strong drive to do, and accomplished so much in his short life. He loved tractors, construction, horses, ranching, sports, and he was good at them all! He was a friend to everyone and always made sure no one felt left out. He was loyal to a fault. Through it all I take solace in knowing that although Kevin was in and out of reality. He never forgot that he had a testimony. He knew he was a child of God and he shared that testimony with others until the very end. He always wanted to get married in an
LDS temple so that he could create a forever family. He knew that his trials were going to be tough to beat but he always promised me that he wouldn't let the drugs take his life. He loved his girlfriend Kianii and son Ryder so much and he wanted so bad to be there for them and to provide for them. Unfortunately that is the lie Satan tells drug users. Once they are addicted they are not in control of those choices anymore. Kevin lived with me in Utah for about a year and I am grateful for the time I had to have him close. He was struggling but he never stopped offering to help me in so many ways. We tried to set up goals and help Kevin so many times I lost count. I never gave up hope that he would overcome this. In the end though I did have this feeling that Kevin needed to just feel my love. I always told Kevin how much I loved him and bore testimony to him of his divine nature. I knew his body was week but that his spirit could be made strong if he relied on the lord and our saviors atonement. I prayed everyday that I could feel peace and that he could feel peace about the will of the Lord and his plan for him. I put Kevins name in the temple every time I went and in the end I felt comforted by the Lord when Kevin passed. After finding out from my brother Michael what had happened, I felt a deep loss but I also felt peace that He lives. I started singing the song "I know that my redeemer lives" and I knew without a doubt that although that was not what I wanted, it was a part of the plan and that our Heavenly Father never stopped loving Kevin or being aware of his needs. There are bad things that happen in life that we won't always understand but I believe one day the Lord will grant us understanding when it is time and our minds can hold all the information he has for us. I miss Kevin so much. He was such a wonderful person and although he had his demons, when he passed all I could think of was the good in him. One of Kevins biggest desires was to be a missionary and share the gospel. I believe he is learning and growing in the next life and that he is indeed doing just that and being a missionary. Whether he believed it or not, he did so much good and even brought people to a knowledge of God while he was here on this earth. I take solace in knowing that my grandpa West, who loved Kevin dearly, was there to greet him. I have to remind myself that they have just gone ahead and I will one day be able to embrace them again. Kevin passed away with his scriptures by his side, and a note that I had written him. That brings so much peace to me to know he knew of my love for him. The week he died was a blur. I don't want to forget the pain in my parents eyes as they lost a child. I know that our Heavenly father knows the pain of losing a child and that all will be made whole and right when the time comes. We were lucky to have our whole family near and able to support one another. From Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. We were also blessed with amazing friends and neighbors who served us in so many ways they can not be counted! Our prayers and the prayers of others are what are going to get us through this hard time. Also a commitment to be better so that we my one day live as a family together in heaven. That week we had Bentley's baptism and before that a two members of the Seventy in our church (one being my uncle Ray Heyman and the other Elder Cornish) were able to come over and bare a sacred witness of the Lords Plan and where Kevin was and what he was doing. The spirit was so strong and confirmed to me that the things they were saying are true and that Kevins struggles were earthly. The lord only knew when his spirit was needed on the other side and couldn't progress on the earth anymore. During Bentleys baptism we could feel Kevins presence and have several times since as we gather as a family or have family prayers. We were able to get Kevin ready with our mom and have a nice viewing and funeral for Kevin. One we thought he would be proud of. When I first saw Kevins body I knew his spirit was no longer there and that his body was all that was left. He looked handsome as Kevin always did. In death we are made alive through the sacrifice and atonement of Jesus Christ. Because he gave his life we all may live again. I still find myself wishing I could call or just go over and talk to Kevin one more time. Brother I love you and will always be grateful for you in my life. Please know I am trying my best to see you again one day. Take care Kevin until we meet again...